A Change of Heart

During this wait, God has continued to work on my heart.  To shape and mold it to be a little more like His.  It is a slow process.  I'm so grateful that He is patient and merciful toward me as I stumble and fall in my attempts to follow Him in obedience.

From the beginning, this was the surprise (to me) adoption.  I wasn't looking, thinking, or dreaming about adoption.  The idea to adopt seemed to come from nowhere...and everywhere.  I've been able to see God placing people and events in our lives to lead us down this path.

And we have gone obediently and with confidence that we were following God.  And for the most part, we have been excited about the adventure, but as I shared previously, I have had a lot of apprehensions about the initial days home.

I know that it is important to prepare spiritually and mentally for the tasks ahead.  I believe that it is important to walk through the process well-armed with prayer and information.  At the same time, it is impossible to plan and anticipate exactly for what is coming.  And that made me anxious.

Gently, repeatedly, God has reminded me that His grace is sufficient.  Whatever the challenges are.

And with the change of heart, new thoughts about the first days come.

Mostly, I am thinking about firsts.  I am sad that I missed a lot of Yuly's firsts...and that I have missed a lot of Hope's firsts.  But I'm looking forward with joyful anticipation for other firsts...

The first time she calls us Mom and Dad...

The first time she rides on an airplane...

Her first time meeting her sisters...

Her first time meeting her grandparents...

Her first birthday with us...

The first time she sees the ocean...

That last one...I don't know when that will be, but there is something about seeing the ocean is so awesome, so fun, so exciting.  I remember Yuly's first time in February 2010.

Its February again and we just returned from a camping trip to the ocean.  Not sure why we seem to end up at the beach in February.  But, like before, watched Yuly and Riza play in the (freezing cold) water.  So fun to see them laugh and play!!  Even as I stood on the shore completely bundled up.

Can't look at the ocean without thinking of these verses with gratitude:

Psalm 139:17-18 
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them, 
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. 
When I am awake, I am still with you. 

God is good.

Waiting...

Do you remember that old Heinz commercial?

You know, "the wai-ai-ting is the hardest part"

Here at the Johnsons, we can totally relate.

But, God continues to remind me that He is listening and He is here.  Recently in my quiet time, I read the verse,

"Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.'  (Genesis 21:2)

That reminded of another verses that I had pondered during Advent:

"But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law."(Galatians 4:4)

And God reminds me that our daughter will come home...at the right time...at the very time God has promised.

And so I wait, and I hope.  I've decided that if every day I expect (hope, wait, watch expectantly) to get the phone call that we have LOA and are one day closer, eventually I will be right.  Right?

The Hard Thing

Hurricane Sandy came and  wreaked havoc on the northeast.  As we Floridians watched, we knew many people there really didn't know what to expect.  It is one thing to see the destruction of a hurricane on the news or read about hurricanes.  It is another thing to experience it.  Once you experience it, you never think of hurricanes the same.

In some ways, this reminds me about adoption.

The hard thing about adopting the first time...

We read about adoption, but we didn't really know what to expect. 

The hard thing about adopting again...

We have experienced adoption and we know what to expect.

I am not in any way comparing the destruction and devastation of the hurricane with adoption, but I am saying that reading about hurricanes or adoption is NOTHING like experiencing them.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately.  Remembering the difficult days from the first time.  Our social worker kept assuring us that after 6 months the storm clouds would break and we would see a big difference.  Many, many days I clung to that reassurance.  In the really difficult days I vowed to drive from Florida (our home) to St. Louis (where our social worker was) and slug her on the first day of the 7th month if she was wrong.  But (thankfully), she wasn't.  So yes, I know that there are tough times coming, but I also know that at some point the storm will break.

I recall those emotions and those struggles as I read blogs of people slogging through those first days and weeks home, just trying to survive.  I understand their words in ways I couldn't just a few years ago.

And, if all that reading, remembering and reflecting weren't enough, I had a rough day with Yuly one day this week.  Just a small reminder of those first days (although, truthfully, the rough days now are much, much easier than the first hard days)  At the end of the difficult morning, I was reminded again how far she has come--although I also wonder why I haven't come farther (shouldn't I be better at handling these by now?!)

So, I also wonder, what will our rough days look like when we come home from China?  We have hints that there will be differences due to cultural differences and age differences, but we know that that there will be an intense process of grieving, struggling, hoping, loving, crying, praying, bonding, coming together and pushing apart.  Although all of these things occur in the process of raising all children, I can say that the intensity (at least for us) has never been equaled to that first few months home with Yuly.

Friends ask about the difficulty in waiting for our newest daughter.  And the question is legitimate.  It is hard to wait.  We know who she is and we know she is far away.  We know that we have to wait for the process to continue and that it is entirely out of our hands.

Despite our experience with adoption and the waiting associated with it, this adoption is so different from our first.  The wait time so different.  The process so different.  After receiving approval from Colombia we waited until we were given a file to review, but this time we (with God's help) chose our daughter.  Either way the waiting is difficult.  I don't want our daughter to be without a mom and a dad one more day than she has already.  I would go tomorrow if I could.  We love her and we know God is already at work knitting our hearts together.  We talk about her, pray for her, and wonder about her.

But, I also know that this is the calm before the storm and while I wait--sometimes quite impatiently--I am also enjoying the daily blessings during the waiting.

Not much of an update

Anyone familiar with adoption knows that the key word is waiting.  And that's what we are doing...waiting.  But while we wait, God continues to work in our lives and hearts.  Here is what we are up to:

We got to send a care package to our daughter.  We weren't allowed to send anything too valuable...but we sent some things from Country Dollar and photos.  Theoretically, we will get an e-mail when the package is forwarded to her...we haven't received any news yet, so we are just...you guessed it...waiting.

On Thursday, October 4, Todd, Audrey (because she is 18 and lives at home), and I are headed to Jacksonville to be fingerprinted by immigration.  We don't get to pick the appointment time...and of course it is at 8:00 a.m.  Jacksonville is 2 1/2 hours away.  Fun :)

Our goal is that by the time we arrive in Jacksonville, all remaining items (except immigration clearance) will be in our agency's hands so that the second our clearance comes through, our agency will begin the process of sending our dossier to China.  I say beginning the process because after all the paperwork is in there are a myriad of certifications, authentication, and other things that have to happen before our dossier is actually sent.

So, we are getting close.  And that's something to be thankful for!

A Sneak Peek

During the first months of our adoption process, Todd and I couldn't believe how quickly and easily things came together.  We contrasted this experience with our first experience.  We concluded that perhaps God allowed us to have an easier time initially to help us know that this was the right decision.  With Yuly, we knew from the beginning that we were headed on the path God had planned.  And we had LOTS of delays. This time we were much more tentative about whether or not this was the right plan for us at this time.  And we have had a smooth path.  Until now.  Finalizing our home study has been agonizingly slow.  In the scheme of time, it isn't that slow, but now that we have found our daughter, every day seems to matter.  And here she is...

We don't want there to be any delays.  And yet, we have had several weeks of waiting.  Ick.

Our local social worker has been such an encouragement.  Such a blessing.  When I shared my discouragement with her she said, " I keep before me the image of you all finally meeting her in China, and me greeting you upon your return!"

So, we wait and pray.  We dream and plan.  We talk about her daily.  And we hope.